Fornax Misadventures
by Normnorm
Summary: After finishing up their mission, Joker drags the crew guys to watch some questionable interspecies pornography videos. *CHP 3 up!* Ah, just another Evening.. And watching porno of...SHEPARD?
1. INTERSPECIES VIDEOS

Hey all, I previously wrote this fic quite a while back, but I decided to make certain changes to it and added Zaeed into the story, hope you enjoy the new edition of Fornax Misadventures!

Also, I would LOVE for suggestions of the most horrible/funniest/lamest pornographic FORNAX TITLES you can think of, so I can make these guys writhe in agony watching them! No summaries, just a title would do, and I'll pick out whichever I think is the best!

DISCLAIMER: I do not own the mass effect series, and if I did, I would force the characters to watch horrible pornography every night.

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><p>So, after saving the galaxy from a certain doom at the wrath of collecters, the crew from Normandy got their well-deserved break. Joker is seen walking around limping and snooping around Mordin's lab, apparently searching for something.<p>

**CHAPTER 1 - INTERSPECIES VIDEOS**

JOKER: Ah great here it is! *grabs a video from the shelf and looks at it for a few seconds* Heh, this is gonna be interesting for the rest of the guys to watch!

(15 minutes later, Jacob, Thane, Garrus, and Grunt is seen waiting at the table of the crewdeck)

JACOB: (just arrived) Huh. What are you guys doing here?

GARRUS: Joker messaged me, Thane and Grunt to meet him here. I think he wanted to invite us for..I don't know. Good thing I was just taking a break from calibrating too.

ZAEED: (enters and notice everyone sitting in one room) Huh? What the hell is this? AN INTERVENTION?

(all stares at Zaeed for a few seconds)

GARRUS: No Zaeed, we wouldn't think of trying to intervene an upstanding member like yourself.

ZAEED: Oh that's good, if this was an intervention for me I swear somebody is gonna lose a limb.

(all stares at Zaeed again for a few seconds, then Thane cuts in)

THANE: Anyways, It seems like a good opportunity to take a break too. With the defeat of the coll-

GRUNT: You talk too much drell, sheesh where is that weak, boneless human? He better not keep me waiting!

THANE: *softly* Krogans are so impatient.

GARRUS: Tell me about it.

JOKER: (finally arrives) Ah, my bros! Sorry for the delay, had a hard time moving from place to place with bones like mine!

JACOB: Yeah, don't worry bout it man. So, what did you invite us here for?

JOKER: Listen guys, since we have all the free time to relax now, I thought we could watch this awesome shit! *hands a vid to Jacob*

JACOB: What the fu-

GARRUS: Woah Joker, that is one nasty video you've gotten. "FORNAX XXX volume XII"?

ZAEED: Joker! I wouldn't have thought you'd had the balls to actually invite all the guys to watch porno! ..Well, colour me impress!

JOKER: I just picked it up from Mordin's lab. No idea why the doc has so many of these! but come on guys, let's get drunk and watch this shit! We can use the crewdeck room to watch!

JACOB: Uh, Mordin keeps this?

THANE: For interspecies research, perhaps?

ZAEED: Research? Are you sure he's not some sort of closet pervert?

THANE: ..I wouldn't know Zaeed. But, well, I'll join in since there's nothing much for me to do at the life support anyways.

GRUNT: That's cause you're on life support! (everybody groans)

GARRUS: Oh dammit Grunt, that is not funny!

ZAEED: Really? I thought that was pretty clever.

JACOB: Yeah that's low, even lower when Joker tried to spy on Miranda while she's using the toilet.

JOKER: HOW THE-

THANE: That's enough. I'm fine really, don't worry about it. And Grunt that was a REALLY terrible joke.. Now, can we go back to watching the vids?

JOKER: That's the spirit Thane!

THANE: What does spirit have to do with anything?

JOKER: It's an expression, Christ!

GARRUS: Wait, isn't Grunt a bit too young for this?

GRUNT: I'm not, turian! I decide what I want to watch.

GARRUS: Alright~ Don't blame me if you get mentally scarred after this.

*Crewdeck room*

JOKER: *Switches on the video on a projector* Alright, it's on! If you need to go the toilets it's just outside!

THANE: hmm.

JACOB: Hahaha...Doubt I'll need it though. *looks at the back cover* Includes asaris, volus, drells,turians,batarians, krogans and especially humans and hanars...Huh HANAR!

THANE: I am distraught by the thought of that. Joker, I will have to apologize if I leave this room prematurely, drells have perfect memories, I don't want certain..."scenes" to be a permanent part of my memory.

JOKER: I understand Thane. Bro, you can leave whenever you want, it sucks having a perfect memory and seeing a Krogan doing THAT.

THANE: Glad to see you understand.

VIDEO: *turns on to display a warning* The sexual activities displayed here are carefully choreographed and acted. It is HIGHLY not recommended to try any of these interspecies intercourse without a trained medical profession advice.

GRUNT: *laughs* HA!

GARRUS: Why do I get a feeling I've dugged myself a hole in the ground?

ZAEED: Live a little guys! This is gonna be pretty goddamn entertaining! (drinks a bottle of beer which he took from a nearby table)

"_FIRST CONTACT LOVE"_

GARRUS: Man, what a title.

ZAEED: HAHA! First contact love! I can tell this is gonna be the work of a genius director!

VIDEO: (shows two couple an human female an a male turian)

GARRUS: (nervous) Oh no,no, no. Don't tell me this is going where it's going.

JACOB: Huh. Never even thought that was possible.

JOKER: Shuush you guys! Just watch!

_turian: Honey babe! You're boyfriend's not here to join you today?_

_human female: H-he just dumped me for an asari! I can't believe this, what did I do wrong! *starts sobbing*_

THANE: The acting is terrible. Unbelievable.

GRUNT: And that turian is hideous! then again, all turians are. (Garrus furrows brows angrily)

_Eienn: Listen Christy honey, if you're lonely your turian friend Eienn here, is always here for you! He's got simple taste!_

_Christy: Eienn! (hugs then suddenly the camera cuts to them in a room)_

GARRUS: Oh. That was fast.

JACOB: It is porn, what did you expect?

_Christy: Eienn, I don't think I can hold it anymore, I'm so horny! Let me ride your hard manhood!_

_Eienn: (starts to unzip) Get ready for some hard chafing baby!_

GARRUS: What. The.

(Grunt, Zaeed and Joker are laughing unstoppably at this point)

ZAEED: This is goddamn hilarious! "Time for some hard chafing baby!" HAHAHA!

JOKER: Oh man! Shepard should watch this! *Garrus coughs nervously*

THANE: ..What was Mordin on when he decided to get this for research?

GRUNT: I can't stop laughing at the sheer stupidity of this porn!

(after a few unmentionable scenes, Garrus is seen raising up one eyebrow, Thane watches it with a blank stare, Grunt, Zaeed and Joker keeps on laughing at the "scenes" , Jacob is seen facepalming and feeling uncomfortable)

MORDIN: AH! (goes in crewdeck) vids! Noticed someone in lab. Wasn't sure who, knew he wanted educational vids.

JOKER: Ah crap. Mordin!

MORDIN: Relax, know hormones and urges. Enjoy the vids, good for research. Not to mention comedic gold.

GRUNT: Yeah, Jacob was yelling things like "OH DANG, NO DAWG".

ZAEED: This is a goldmine Mordin, ya' gotta share some of these with me sometimes!

MORDIN: Will join you all for now. On a break. Need some laughter!

JOKER: Was wondering though doc, how the hell did you get hold of this?

MORDIN: Oh, free from sponsors. Apparently needed medical advice for sexually stimulating scenes. Gave them positions, erogenous zone overview, things to avoid, etc,etc.

GARRUS: Wow amazing. You seem to know a whole lot more than expected.

MORDIN: Studied in free and leisure time. interspecies intriguing, positions complex, too much problems. Still, some patients needed advise, took up time to study. Interspecies common between asaris and other species, but humans with turians, drells, quarians...even salarians a exists, so took up time to study.

JOKER: Mordin, I think I've gained new respect for you.

ZAEED: yeah, why didn't you tell us you were a sex guru? I had so many interspecies relationships I lost count!

GRUNT: Wait, are there interspecies relationship with Krogans too?

MORDIN: Krogan, yes. Common for asaris and humans to get analgesic for krogan liasons. Apparently too much for them to handle sometimes.

GRUNT: *smirks* HA!

JACOB: More than I needed to know...but thanks anyway doc.

MORDIN: Ah yes. Next scene is salarian, human and an asari.

THANE: That may be too much for my memory to handle.

MORDIN: Nothing too traumatizing for drell, Can provide sleeping pills if having hard time to sleep.

THANE: I..I'll take my chances.

"_POOR LITTLE SALARIAN"_

GRUNT: Poor little salarian is _gon git rape_!

ZAEED: Stop it Grunt, when you say it, it's actually not that funny.

GRUNT: *is slightly disappointed and sad*

(A salarian is seen carrying shopping bags with an asari and a female human, both apparently treating him like a slave.)

GRUNT: Alright! AN SM SCENE!

GARRUS: Grunt, where the hell did you learn that?

GRUNT: Oh, tank and imprinting. Some krogans apparently love this a bit too much.

JACOB: Salarian getting lucky with an asari and human female. Fornax thinks of everything..

_salarian: He-hey come on don't make me carry all of this! It's too much._

_asari: Shut up you pathetic excuse of a salarian! You will address to both of us as your queen! (tugs his collar hard)_

_human female: And love it! _

MORDIN: Strangely, some salarians likes this. Not me of course, uninterested.

ZAEED: Yeah, I'm SURE you're not interested...

MORDIN: Sense sarcasm. Really Zaeed, my libido is low. REALLY LOW. Do you need explanation to salarians sexual drives and urges?

ZAEED: NOOO! Okay, Okay! I get it! No libido!

(The three then goes toward their cyber-limo, the asari drags the salarian to the back of the limo along with the human female following them)

JACOB: This smells strangely of rape.

JOKER: Yes, captain obvious.

MORDIN: Ah. the next scene is of comedic value. Has never failed for a few laughs.

GARRUS: Why do I have a bad feeling about this?

_Salarian: Q-queens, what are you planning to do with me? I already did your biddings!_

_*the two queens smirks evilly*_

_human female: (Takes out a ball mouthpiece) See this? This is for you. _

_asari: And so is this! (Takes out a whip)_

_Salarian: N..NOOOOOOOO! _

(Garrus and Jacob is seen squirming uncomfortably on the sofa, Thane is distraught and is seen facepalming on few occassions but couldn't bring himself to leave the room, Grunt is once again laughing hard, Joker laughs at Jacob's and Garrus reactions, Mordin looks at it laughing at a few scenes, he doesn't seem to be bothered one bit on how horribly the queens had treated the salarian. Zaeed is seen drinking, and not even bothered by all the whipping taking place.)

THANE: Thank the gods that's over.

MORDIN: Met that salarian before in life. Nice kid, a bit of a masochist. Talks like that in life too.

GARRUS: You've met him! Geez, professor.

MORDIN: He's okay. Heard a lot of Krogans, asaris and even some humans were arguing on bidding him for a 'one night of fun'.

ZAEED: More like one night of glorious sexual torture.

JOKER: More than I needed to KNOW! NEXT!

"_TENTACLED LOVE I"_

GARRUS: YOU MEAN THERE'S PART 2!

JOKER: Seeing Tentacle on the title, I know where this is going..

(Next scene shows a hanar and an asari)

THANE: *finally stands up* Okay, I'll skip this one. Let me know when this one is done. I'll be drinking...outside. *leaves*

JOKER: Oh geez, looks like Thane finally gave up! I win Garrus!

GARRUS: ah damn. Fine! (hands in hundred credits)

MORDIN: Perfect drell memories. Understand why he left, hanar homeworld Kahje, would be too traumatizing if he keeps on thinking of this when he thinks of hanar.

ZAEED: Hah! Next time we should strap him to a chair and force him to watch all the hanar porn!

GRUNT: Geez it's just tentacles. What's there to be afraid of?

JACOB: Urgh. Alright, let's...move on with this.

_hanar: This one wishes to understand the asari more. Would the asari be willing to try out something new with this one?_

_asari: I'm ready for anything new, my sexy tentacled love._

_hanar: (slowly removes a piece of asari clothing) This one wishes to make love to the asari. _

GARRUS: (facepalms) I never thought there'll be a day that I'm actually watching this.

JACOB: Don't worry bro, feeling is mutual.

JOKER: Come on stop whining! List this out as the things to watch before you die!

ZAEED: You mean you guys haven't watch this before? (everyone stares at Zaeed) Oh, buncha virgins here.

JOKER: Hey, I'm not a Virgin!

MORDIN: Joker, no shame in being one!

JOKER: You salarians will never understand! NEVER!

JACOB: How dramatic.

(After a few minutes, the scene finishes, Thane is invited back in with legion accompanying him for some reason)

JOKER: Wait, why is that robot with you?

THANE: Oh, was conversing with him about geth while you were watching hanar...porn. Apparently legion seems interested and intrigued about the whole thing.

ZAEED: You want to teach a geth about having sex?

THANE: I never said that!

LEGION: Requesting permission for invitation.

JOKER: Yeah, yeah go ahead. Just don't go around anally probing random people while you watch this. I'M SERIOUS.

LEGION: Warning noted. Will not anally probe organics.

JACOB: Uh.. Are you sure it's healthy to let a geth watch this?

LEGION: We are only here to observed organic activities and comprehend them. We do not wish to partake in any of these organic activities other than observing for the purpose of studying.

MORDIN: Ah yes. Interesting, will need to listen to your input later on.

"_SPECIES OF THE CIRCLE"_

GARRUS: Species of the circle?

JOKER: Probably has to do with either circle jerking or an orgy. *Garrus winces*

MORDIN: Ah yes. The male sexual practice of group masturbation.

ZAEED: What? We get to see schlongs of different races? This is no fun. I wanted more females!

(the next scene shows a batarian, drell ,salarian and a turian all encircling a human female)

JACOB: Oh hell no dawg. No no no. This is wroong!

JOKER: Woah, how is she gonna take all of that? *Jacob frowns* Uh.

MORDIN: human females quite flexible after observing this. Thought salarians were flexible enough...

LEGION: Organics have a curious mating habit. They have different mating rituals, we have seen between 2 organics mating and 20 organics mating simultaneously at the same time. We do not comprehend the increasing numbers. *Garrus laughs nervously*

_batarian: So guys, this human thinks breaking in our territory is a good idea? Whaddya reckon we do with her?_

_human female: I-I'm sorry I didnt mean to come here! I was lost on the way and- (turian wraps a tape around her mouth to shut her up)_

_drell: Well..We haven't had a female company for awhile._

THANE: *shakes head* This video makes my head hurt.

_Salarian: I'm just gonna be here...you guys enjoy. _

GRUNT and JOKER: *laughs*

THANE: That seems to be the only respectable character here.

ZAEED: He's the voyeur in this show. How is that respectable!

_(After a few sexual scenes, the ending ends with the undercover STG salarian killing the rest of the characters and saving the female human)_

_Salarian: I killed them for you! Now both of us can escape, human!_

_female human: T-thank you, you saved my life, Now I can repay you!_

_(They both kissed and have sex, the end.)_

GARRUS: She ended sexing up with a salarian! AN STG SALARIAN AT THAT!

JACOB: Fornax has bizarre plot twist.

MORDIN: What, why? Just cause he's a salarian?

JACOB: Uh no not that, I mean it was unexpected, but it WAS a happy ending. I just thought that she'd end up with the drell or something.

JOKER: Fornax, *wipes a tear* How do YOU come up with this stuff?

LEGION: Does not compute. Salarian could have saved the human earlier but chooses to wait till the last moment. Explain.

GRUNT: Cause it's PORN. Dramatic porn. That's why! *Legion tilts head in confusion*

ZAEED: The less you know the better, Legion.

(Next scene is a krogan and an asari..and a volus and a human)

SHEPARD: (unexpectedly comes in the crewdeck and notices the porn) ..Oh. I see, so instead of doing something productive this is how you guys spend your time? EDI was right.

GARRUS: AH Shepard! This was Joker's idea! (Garrus along with everyone else points at Joker, even Mordin)

JOKER: Aw man! You guys suck!

SHEPARD: Ah hell,I'll forgive you this time guys. But seriously Mordin, those videos have terrible plots.

MORDIN: Agreed! I have interspecies films that may pique your interest better Shepard!

SHEPARD: haha, thanks. Guess I'll go back to...grabbing something to eat. Enjoy, men! (leaves)

JOKER: Whew, thought she was gonna wringe my neck.

JACOB: Ah speaking of Shepard, Is she still hitch to that Kaiden dude?

MORDIN: Body language perceives that she is available at the moment. But can't be sure, need to study female human body languages more.

GARRUS: I was there in horizon! I'm sure he totally kicked her out. What an ass, he doesn't deserve a woman of this caliber!

JOKER: Oh well well, Garrus. Seems like your overprotecting her a bit, aren't you?

GARRUS: She's my commander and the woman who preserve peace in the galaxy. You MUST have a certain respect for a woman like that.

ZAEED: Either that or your just wanna get in her pants. *Garrus stares at Zaeed angrily*

GRUNT: Disgusting, are you guys gay or something? She's my battlemaster and some female krogan has requested breeding requests from her!

THANE: I would be surprised if that doesn't resort in any reproduction.

LEGION: Shepard-commander is highly popular with many different species. Mating requests seems to be increasing.

MORDIN: Amazing pheromones. Should study and observe her on free time.

JACOB: doctor, isn't that like..Creepy for her?

MORDIN: for Science! nothing creepy about that! Also noticed her interest for me, keeps visiting.

GARRUS: What are you talking about? She visits everyone!

MORDIN: Yes, particularly me. Perhaps human attraction to skin tone? Hmm curious.

THANE: *whispers to Garrus and the rest* Let the doctor keep his ego.

JACOB: Yeah, that's for the best.

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><p>End of chapter 1!<p>

Remember, if you liked it please review!

And again, if you'd like to take part I would LOVE for suggestions of the most horrible/funniest/lamest pornographic FORNAX TITLES you can think of. No summaries, just a title would do, and I'll pick out whichever I think is the best!


	2. VOLUS PLUMBERS, MILF MATRIACH AND?

Regarding the scripted format, I apologize if you don't like the way the fic is written, but after reading a few of my favourite MST3K fics from quite a while back, I wanted this fic to have the same scripted style. If you don't like the scripted format, I respect your critique but I have no intention of changing it to a different format, thanks and I hope you'll understand my decision.

I would recommend clicking on one of the listed buttons on the top right-hand corner of fanfiction . net so that the text flow of the scripted format is more comforting for your eyes to read through.

And thanks for the reviews, please do review if you like the story, would really appreciate ideas for Fornax porno titles too!

DISCLAIMER: I do not own the mass effect series, and if I did, I would force the characters to watch horrible pornography every night.

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><p><strong>CHAPTER 2 - OH MY! VOLUS PLUMBERS, MILF MATRIACH AND-?<strong>

The next day, right after lunch, Joker once again gathers the men in the crewdeck room.

JOKER: LOOK ALIVE GUYS! Are ya' ready for round 2?

JACOB: Jesus Christ Joker, can't this at least wait til evening?

JOKER: Are ya' mad? We're not even close to finishing half of the Fornax videos!

ZAEED: (walks in, grabs a beer can in a nearby fridge) That will take a whole month.

GARRUS: Already drinking in the afternoon Zaeed? Maybe I should too since I'm gonna go for another round of horrible interspecies porn.

ZAEED: Yeah, that's why I'm drinking! here ya' go turian (hands a dextro beer)

GARRUS: Thanks.(sighs) Alright Joker, here's to round two! (opens a can and drinks)

(Grunt and Thane walks in, Grunt apparently carrying like three buckets of popcorn)

GRUNT: ALRIGHT! PORN!

THANE: Is it just me or is porn having a positive effect on Grunt?

MORDIN: (at the same time, he walks in) Positive. Aura seems to be slightly unusual for krogan,

perhaps more pornography will keep him happy and less likely to attack random bystanders.

GRUNT: You got that right, soft salarian! (puts arm around Thane) Are you ready to make some new memories, drell?

THANE: (slowly removes Grunt's arm from him) Uh, not really. Not like I have any choice since I'm gonna get dragged by Joker anyway.

JOKER: Okay Okay, shush! Let's watch, sit down and shut up!

(everyone is seated quietly, with awkward coughs from Garrus.)

_"PLUMBING"_

JACOB: Oh wait, I already know where this is going.

JOKER: OH shut up Jacob, don't spoil the aliens!

(A human housewife is seen wearing nothing but a sexy lingerie, she goes to the bathroom, apparently she notices that the plumbing is broken. She then picks up a nearby phone and calls galaxy plumbing services.)

JOKER: ahahaha, "Plumbing".

ZAEED: (gives Joker a hard smack to the head)

JOKER: Argh! My bones!

_Sexy housewife: (Speaks in a reallly orgasmic voice) Hi, I need some plumbing fix at my place, _

_would you pleaseee come here as soon as possible?_

(Joker giggles like an idiot)

GARRUS: We're not even at the sex scene and yet you are giggling like a goddamn teenage

virgin.

JACOB: Wow Garrus, I see you have been watching a lot of human chick flicks and teen movies.

GARRUS: Yeah those were horrible. But I learned a few things about teenage humans. And that

it's dismal.

ZAEED: You got that right.

(20 minutes later, a cheesy western music plays in the background and a volus shows up with a wrench in one hand.)

THANE: Can I get in my solipsism mode now?

ALL: No.

_Volus: Hello *breathes* earth-clan, I heard *breathes* your plumbing is broken, and I've come _

_here to..*breathes* give you a plumbing._

MORDIN: Untrue, he's trying to stimulate her sexually, not fix plumbings.

JOKER: Mordin..

_Sexy housewife: Well, wouldn't I love that! Please, get over here! (pulls volus in her room)_

GRUNT: What is this? So what about the plumbing? I'm not aroused at all!

JACOB: It's better not to question and just watch Grunt, it's awkward enough sitting here.

(After what seems like an eternity of awkward foreplay, the two finally carefully have sex, mostly with plumbing equipments since its not possible for a volus to remove his suit due to safety issues.)

GRUNT: (munching on second bucket of popcorn) Well, that took awhile!

THANE: This is so uncomforting and awkward. All that earth-clan bed talk and now all this awkward touching and unsanitary equipment. When I die, I'm haunting you Joker.

(During the course of the video, Volus is seen using various "plumbing" equipment on the housewife. Joker and Grunt is watching intently and eating popcorn, Garrus and Zaeed is drinking, Mordin is taking notes, Thane seemed stoned out of his mind, probably due to solipsism or registering the video in his memories, and Jacob is once again facepalming and showing disgust every once in awhile.)

_Sexy housewife: Thank you for fixing my plumbings. Please, come again.._

(the end)

JOKER: "Fixing" my "Plumbing", "Come again" huhuhuh.

ZAEED: (hits Joker's head once again) Stop that you moron, unless you wanna lose some bones.

JOKER: Aw, you're no fun.

MORDIN: Creative use of household items and tools, what not to do during sex with volus...taking notes, taking notes.

GARRUS: Please, no more volus porn. It's so awkward watching those guys. Whatnot with their heavy breathing every few seconds.

GRUNT: IT'S BORING TOO. Oh by the way, aren't we missing someone today?

GARRUS: Oh yeah, where is legion?

LEGION: (walks in the crewdeck room at the mention of his name) We have installed video systems in this room to monitor videos being streamed. This is to increase efficiency in our reports.

ZAEED: That's creepy. Or maybe you could put porno videos in my surveillance room too legion, I get pretty bored down there.

LEGION: Affirmative. Will update upon complete process.

JACOB: Remind me never to do anything strange in this ship.

MORDIN: So you have been monitoring from the start. Impressive legion, wasn't able to detect all bugs in this room afterall, it seems.

JOKER: THERE WERE BUGS BEFORE? Dammit, my privates are not safe.

GRUNT: Instead of talking about your privates, why not go to the next video? All this talking is driving me angry.

JOKER: Okay, okay, geez! Relax krogan!

_"MILF – MATRIACH I'D LIKE TO FU-"_

THANE: Stop right there, we all know what that means.

JACOB: Of course we do, oh thank god at least it's an asari now!

(In this video, a matriarch asari gets a series of booty calls from various places and many different species, the first one is from a human female.)

JOKER: Oh hell to the yeah!

MORDIN: Joker, calm down.

ZAEED: Yeah, we don't wanna see any boners here! Get yourself to the toilet if you need it!

_Matriach: Hello dear, you called for me didn't you?_

_Human female: OH YES! (pulls the Matriach in bed)_

(both strips down and strangely a random batarian with binoculars is seen spying through a window across their building)

ZAEED: What's the use of having four eyes if you still need binoculars?

_Batarian: Oh yes, yes. _

JOKER: That actually might be my perverted neighbour back from earth in batarian form.

THANE: No, its just the director of the film.

(after intense sex with the human female, the matriach moves on to her next call, a nervous looking male salarian.)

_Salarian: I, uhm, got this number from a batarian friend, he told me I could get some help learning from you._

LEGION: From what we observed, there is a 99.9% chance that it is the same batarian from the previous scene.

JOKER: (pats legion on the back) Well, well! You're learning, Legion! Well done!

_Matriach: There's no need to be shy. I am well verse in the art of sex with all alien species!_

ZAEED: including Yahgs, collectors, reapers, vorchas, space cows.

Salarian: Please show me the way, matriarch!

(As they are having sex, questions are being thrown around to Mordin like "Is that a cloaca?" "What in the HELL is that?" )

MORDIN: (breathes) Please reserve questions after videos. Will lecture on salarian anatomy after this. Especially on cloaca.

ZAEED: Okay, I'll try to get drunk before that happens.

(The last call is from a male quarian, on his pilgrimage.)

JACOB: Pilgrimage? I guess he could put that in his report "I scored with a Matriach."

THANE: I wonder, does that count as something beneficial for the ship?

GARRUS: Probably, I'm sure the admirals there would enjoy the matriach's company. If you know what I mean.

_Quarian: Matriach, you really came! Thank you! Th-this is actually my first time, please be gentle with me._

GARRUS: Yeah, please don't accidentally kill me during sex!

_Matriach: Do not worry my child, just close your eyes and relax.. Embrace eternity._

(This scene was slightly different from the rest as it cuts away from the real world and transforms into a meshed up CGI world of what is presume to be "inside eternity")

THANE:CGI porn? Well this is the first I've seen.

LEGION: Male quarian refuses to remove suit due to health concerns. Information taken from the extranet fornaxsuperstars-gossip . com.

MORDIN: They didn't consult me? Would have given immuno-boosters and herbal supplements for safe sex.

(During the course of "embracing eternity", the CGI got more and more epileptic, until both character climaxes, turning everything back into the real world. After which the Matriach then leaves the room, done for the day.)

JOKER: I feel like puking after watching that. All the colours man.

MORDIN: (hands a bottle of pills to Joker)

JOKER: Oh gee, thanks Mordin, you think of everything.

ZAEED: If embracing eternity was like that, I'm happier just using my hand.

GRUNT: Using your hand?

JACOB: It's nothing Grunt, just ignore him.

GARRUS: That wasn't as bad as I thought!

(Legion hands over the next video to Garrus)

"_SHEPARD DOES SAREN"_

GARRUS: Oh, I take back what I said previously.

THANE: (stands up) For out of respect of Siha, I am leaving prematurely, enjoy my friends.

(Thane leaves the room)

JOKER: I win again! Hand over the credits Garrus!

GARRUS: Dammit, I need to stop betting on Thane not leaving the room. I'll get you next time, Joker!

ZAEED: Hah, he'll be back, he can't stay away.

(In this video, a woman who looks nothing like Shepard walks out of the Normandy wearing full gear, apparently getting ready to fight Saren. Epic music plays in the background.)

MORDIN: from observation, this is a huge budget for film such as this. Even replica of Normandy seems convincing. Very Impressive! Only complain would be that Shepard's breasts are slightly bigger than that.

(all the men stop and stares for awhile)

JACOB: Oh my god Mordin! You're right! How historically inaccurate!

JOKER: We should lodge a complain!

MORDIN: Shepard will not be please to see small inaccuracies like this, body language says she has self-esteem and image issues, especially around chest area, always catch her eyeing Miranda in jealousy.

LEGION: We agree, from what we recorded, Shepard-commander has emotional mood swings, an example recording after Joker's comments about her buttocks, unaware she is right behind him.

MORDIN: Not self-esteem issues Legion, that's just Joker being an idiot.

JOKER: HEY!

LEGION: Noted. Joker has the characteristics of an idiot.

(The next scene shows Saren, or rather a turian who looks like Saren, apparently sharing a conversation about reapers with Shepard. Zaeed is seen yawning.)

GARRUS: Ah yes, (air quotes) Reapers. Shepard, I would have to dismiss that claim and get in your pants instead.

JACOB: Meanwhile, in deep space, reapers are slowly charging towards us.

GRUNT: While we watch porn.

(Saren grabs Shepard and uses a biotic ability to bind and stun her down.)

GARRUS: If this was the real thing, Shepard would have use her bare hands to rip his mandibles open. The end.

JOKER: (in a effeminate voice, teasing Garrus) Ooooh, Garrus! Save me from Saren! My shields are dooown.

ZAEED: (hits Joker once again) You're welcome, Garrus.

GARRUS: Thanks, I didn't wanna kill him, you know how hard turians are.

JOKER: (tries to hold laughter)

GARRUS: I regret saying that.

_Fake Shepard: You'll regret this Saren, I'll never forgive you for what you've done!_

_Fake Saren: Is that so? What are you going to do about it? You are nothing but a weakling Shepard (Grabs her by the neck) Though I won't kill you just yet, hahaha._

_Fake Shepard: Saren, you're indoctrinated! Listen to yourself!_

_Fake Saren: I'm not- I'm arggh! (winces in pain) Enough! Stop talking! (grabs her by force and starts to strip her violently)_

GRUNT: Hey this all wrong! Shepard isn't weak!

GARRUS: Of course not Grunt, but in this alternate world of porno, Shepard will always have sex with everyone, even you.

GRUNT: That's disgusting! No thanks!

(The next scene shows fake Saren and Shepard having sex, Jacob grimaces at chafing scenes, Garrus watches with slight interest, Zaeed, Joker and Grunt munching on the last bucket of popcorn, Legion's headlights lits up at certain scenes intently observing, Mordin writes note to self and also for Shepard in case she needs one.)

JACOB: Gah, that was painful to look at, no offense Garrus.

GARRUS: None taken, we know how squishy humans are.

JACOB: No matter how many times, I don't think I'll ever get used to watching turian porn.

GRUNT: Yeah! We should watch Krogan porn next!

JACOB: Can I blindfold myself next time?

(After the fictional sex/rape scene with Saren and Shepard, the vid ends with naked Shepard quickly kicking Saren off her and grabbing a nearby shotgun, shooting him in the face, which strangely gets cut off and the video ends.)

JOKER: No happy ending with fake Kaiden or fake Joker?

ZAEED: Joker porn? I rather take needles and stick them in my eyeballs.

MORDIN: At ease Zaeed, no Joker porn at the moment.

ZAEED: There is a god!

JOKER: Goddamit Zaeed, you're an asshole.

ZAEED: I know.

MORDIN: Next video, "Shepard does Wrex."

GARRUS and JACOB: WHAT!

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><p>End of chapter 2!<p>

Liked it? Please review! Suggestions for porn titles are welcome too!


	3. DON'T WE HAVE ENOUGH SHEPARD PORN?

Oh man, you have no idea how much your review means to me, it keeps me high-spirited and gets me off my lazy, procrastinating wilted ass. Please, if you liked this fic please PLEASE review and try not to be lurk shy, I love reading reviews and it means alot too!

DISCLAIMER: I do not own the mass effect series, and if I did, I would force the characters to watch horrible pornography every night.

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><p><strong>CHAPTER 3 – DON'T WE HAVE ENOUGH SHEPARD PORN?<strong>

After watching really terrible porn for the second time, the guys decided to take a short R&R in the evening, sitting around eating terribly prepared food by Mess Sergeant Gardner.

ZAEED: Wow, this food taste like ass. (Picks up an unidentifiable material in his food and looks at it)

JOKER: That's an understatement, maybe someone sat on it and later serves it to us as grub.

GARDNER: (overhears their conversation) Well, yeah, maybe because I just cleaned out the toilets with these masterful hands. (Pulls on gloves)

JOKER: (vomits out some of his food)

GARDNER: Son, I'm just kidding, that's what you get for insulting my skill! Hahaha!

GARRUS: Thank the spirits I have my own dextro rations.

MORDIN: Oh yes, also have pills in case anyone gets food poisoning.

JACOB: Thanks Mordin, might need it when we're watching THAT.

GRUNT: HAH! From the looks of it you guys look like you wanna leave! What weaklings!

JACOB: Oh shut up Grunt, not all of us are sadistic enough like krogans.

GRUNT: I know! Damn, you aliens are weak!

THANE: In two short days I have already damaged my retina and memories beyond belief, thanks for that, Joker.

JOKER: Aw, it's not that bad Thane, I mean you already missed out on two awesome porn, that's not so bad, right?

THANE: I fail to see what is awesome about, a jellyfish having "embraced eternity" with an asari. And also, Siha's history misinterpreted in terrible ways.

JOKER: Thane, you're way too tense, chill out man! Sometime to have fun, we men do the most disgusting and dangerous things!

THANE: YOU. Not me. But fine, no matter what I say, you'd still want me to join in, so I won't leave the room anymore, instead you'll see me lost in solipsism.

ZAEED: Damn solipsism is one hell of a drug. Speaking of which, is it true licking you can make people high?

THANE: Indeed it is true. Explains why I haven't dated any human female in the past. The last time, there was this merc woman that tried to kill me. But in a weird spur of the moment, her lips accidentally touched my skin.. Wasn't a pretty view after that.

MORDIN: Curious, what happen? Heard hallucination effects are sometimes quite strong.

THANE: She took off her clothes, then screaming at the top of her lungs that she saw a giant mutated frog ..and then jumped down a 100th storey building.

JOKER: Urgh. Messy.

ZAEED: Wow, that's actually pretty cool. One hell of a weapon to use against the men and women alike, Thane! Why use guns when you can kiss them to death?

THANE: A kissing drell assassin? Are you trying to ruin my reputation?

ZAEED: Just a suggestion, geez.

(Fifteen minutes later, the crew heads back to the crewdeck room to once again, undergo another round of horrible interspecies alien porn, starting with "Shepard does Wrex".)

GARRUS: You know, we should add this to our daily schedule.

GRUNT: You have a schedule? Isn't it like breakfast, calibration, lunch, calibration, dinner, calibration?

GARRUS: Haha, Grunt very funny. At least I'm not stuck in the basement like some kind of basement dweller!

GRUNT: Hey! It takes a lot of perseverance just standing around all day!

LEGION: Grunt's daily schedule: surfing extranet, keywords include, "dinosaurs fights", "shepard kicking ass", "Garrus is an asshole", "How long can you stretch a salarian." "sexy female krogan"

GRUNT: Hey you damn robot that was private! Stop invading my privacy stupid robot! (Grunt gets restrained by Jacob, Garrus, Thane and Zaeed from killing Legion)

MORDIN: (breathes) Legion, would recommend not releasing crew members extranet history to anyone. Better to keep to self. (coughs slightly) Of course, for life protection too, in this case

LEGION: Understood. Will not release further information on member's extranet history unless required.

(Few minutes later, Grunt finally calms down. And everyone finally got around to sitting back and starting the next round of pornography.)

"_SHEPARD DOES WREX"_

GARRUS: I'm gonna regret this for the rest of my life.

THANE: I'm never gonna forget this for the rest of my life.

ZAEED: (drinking a beer) Yeah, yeah, you buncha whiners.

(Fake Shepard appears in what seems to be a location that looks somewhat like Virmire, in this scene, she approaches a krogan who looks slightly like Wrex, but without the scar.)

_Fake Shepard: Wrex._

_Fake Wrex: Shepard._

JOKER: Wrex.

JACOB: Shepard.

THANE: Wrex.

GRUNT: SERIOUSLY, SHEPARD WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT?

(All stares at Grunt for a few seconds, then gets back to watching the next scene.)

_Fake Shepard: I understand how you must feel about destroying the cure Wrex, but these krogans.. They are brainwashed!_

GRUNT: Way to bring the genophage cure in a porn film. (grumbles)

MORDIN: (coughs)

_Fake Wrex: (pushes fake Shepard on the floor) These are my people Shepard! What do you know? Hell I've been loyal to you, but this is way too much! Think about what this does to my people!_

JOKER: I'm not gonna make a joke about the krogan with Grunt sitting next to me.

GRUNT: Smart choice, little man. (pats Joker lightly in the back)

(After a few dialogs between Shepard and Wrex, things get intense as Wrex pulls Shepard and rips her clothes off. He then proceeds to remove his equipment.)

GARRUS: (trembling) ARGH! I don't wanna watch krogan testicles AGAIN ! (tries to run out of the room but is pulled by Grunt)

GRUNT: Settle down, goddamn turian! And I'm watching you too drell!

THANE: (sighs)

(During the painfully graphic sex scene between human female and krogan, Garrus is seen trying to cover his eyes, Thane looked like he had gave up trying to escape into solipsism, Jacob and Joker grimaced in pain at the scenes, Zaeed is seen drinking and saying "could be worse." Mordin is trying his best to remain professional, whatnot with all the complaining and squeamishness of the others, while also pondering at the "techniques", Legion as usual is observing both the crews behaviour and the film itself.)

MORDIN: Should have spend more time lubricating the female actor, so wouldn't be painful for the actress and audiences watching.

JACOB: (somewhat in a state of shock) IS THAT ALL YOU CAN SAY PROFESSOR?

MORDIN: Professional opinion is that they should have gotten someone younger like Grunt, but too late for that.

JACOB: THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEAN! HOW CAN YOU BE SO CALM?

MORDIN: Seen worse Jacob. Much much worse.

JACOB: Professor, I really don't want to know what made you so desensitized to hardcore porn. Really I don't.

MORDIN: Don't worry Jacob, if having nightmares can always give proper medication.

(At the end of the sex scene, Shepard convinced Wrex that he should trust her since she had did more for him than any other krogan ever did.)

JOKER: Yeah, I'm sure she did MORE for him than any other krogan did. Hahaha.

GARRUS: And now I can't look at Wrex the same anymore. Thanks for the bad joke, bastard.

_Fake Shepard: We'll defeat him Wrex, trust me. I have faith in you!_

_Fake Wrex: Then let's get that bastard, Saren. I'll kill him!_

GRUNT: I'll defeat him with my monstrous Quad!

(Joker and Zaeed laughs while the rest just gives out a blank stare.)

THANE: (shakes head) Why do I torment myself with such perverse people?

(The film finally ends with a montage of Wrex and Shepard killing bad guys.)

ZAEED: Over already? Man they spend more time on the dialogues then any actual sex.

JOKER: Thank god for that! I feel like ripping out my eyeballs through the sex scenes, what extreme mental torture!

GRUNT: Really? As a krogan I felt it was pretty tame and boring.

JOKER: Then what the hell do you consider untamed and hardcore? Limbs flying around? Thresher Maw in the background while having sex with multiple krogans?

GRUNT: Pretty close.

JOKER: Dammit Grunt, I don't even wanna KNOW what's your turn on!

ZAEED: One more before we call it a night guys! (Everyone else groans except for Grunt, Legion and Mordin.) This one is called uh... "sexy asari leaked sex tape"

JOKER: Good! Something normal for once!

(Zaeed then goes to switch on the vid, as the screen lights up, and the film begins, it was an obvious amateur production and the lighting was pretty bad. Apparently this was one of those "night-vision" sex tapes.)

"_SEXY ASARI LEAKED SEX TAPE"_

GRUNT: I hate watching these types of porno, always made me sick with its horrible night vision!

MORDIN; Amateurish, most likely home-production, and from the looks of it, does look quite old.

(In the video itself, a young asari is seen playfully playing around with a turian male and another human male, everything seems pretty normal until Legion notices something strange and pauses the video.)

ZAEED: Hey what the hell, robot! Leave it on!

LEGION: Loading information. We are 100% sure the person in the video is Samara.

GARRUS and JOKER: HOLY SHIT!

MORDIN: Impressive Legion! This seems like an old video that probably leaked in the extranet a long time ago.

ZAEED: Vintage quality space porn and Samara, what more can you ask for?

JOKER: Uhm, does that mean she'll kill us if she knew we were all watching porn of her? That's not in her code..right?

ZAEED: No Joker, she'll probably kill you first.

MORDIN: Relax. We can safely assumed that we know nothing of such a thing ever existing in the first place.

JACOB: Best idea ever, let's go with that.

LEGION: Affirmative, we will not leak of crew's awareness of Samara's maiden years amateur porn production back to her.

GRUNT: YOU BETTER DON'T!

_Young Samara: Hey, let's do it, enough playing around!_

_Male Turian: Hell yeah, I'll do it first!_

_Male human: Leave some for me too!_

(After enough frolicking around in bed, they finally have a threesome, but since it was taken in night vision, hardly any depiction of sex can be seen and only groaning and turian growling can be heard.)

ZAEED: This reminds me of my own frat party a long time ago.

JOKER: Wow, you actually went to one?

ZAEED: Of course I did! I'm not a loser like you!

JOKER: (grumbles) Stupid asshole jocks.

(The scene finally ends with the camera switching off, everyone is relieved that round two of porn is finally over.)

THANE: Oh, thank the gods it's finally over. Second one wasn't as bad as the first.

GRUNT: Yeah, the second one was way too boring, I almost fell asleep.

THANE: Not what I actually meant to say, but well..

JOKER: Alright guys, we're done for the night! Don't forget to show up tomorrow yet again, I'll get snacks and nachos!

ZAEED: ALRIGHT! NACHOS!

JACOB: (facepalms) Jesus, Joker. Fine I'll be there, not like I have anything else in mind.

GARRUS: I'll be there, and I'm gonna get drunk by the end of tomorrow's round.

THANE: I will show up tomorrow as well. For now, I would like to sleep and forget about the videos I've just watch. (disappears in thin air)

MORDIN: Will be in the lab to continue research on reapers, (breathes) such a great way to spend time, watching interspecies mating videos! Good for studies and research. (walks away apparently in a rather happy mood)

(Everyone leaves the room yawning and stretching, getting ready for yet another horrible day tomorrow.)

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><p>End of chapter 3!<p>

Liked it? Please PLEASE review! As usual, I welcome suggestions for fornax pron ideas too!


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